ouch

i just got home and decided to make myself a drunk munchie snack.

and i just sliced my finger open cutting a tomato.

im bleeding everywhereeeeeeeeee.


i just realized i have a first aid kit. but im going ghetto style and just wrapping it in tp.


wooooosahhhh.


tiff this is for you.

oh my gosh time is passing so fast! im going to be in the tri in 9 days! im actually really excited. i cant wait to see my family and i cant wait to see my LDL.
ahh. i keep loving him despite the odds and despite the wtf are you doing thoughts in the back of my brain. it just comes so easy and intensifies every time it gets close to that time.
alsdfoghoweuaeofuaweohgeurhg.

i actually think i will miss sd this time tho. ive been having a lot more luck in the friend department lately lol. but these european girls i met and have been hanging out with might just be a little too crazy. even for me. but SO much fun.


derrick is a freaking bastard. i want to punch him sometimes.
ugh.
its a messy story and i dont want to get into the dirty deets online but basically he kinda still owes me money and ive been very nicely asking him if he could give it to me in time for christmas.
a month ago it was yah of course. and now. he wont answer my texts and has played a disappearing game.
i wish i could just delete him from my life forever but theres some shit that needs to be taken care of still.
its gonna be number one on my priority list when i get back.

i cant believe i even dated him. every time i think about it now it makes my stomach kind of cringe. and i just say ew. sometimes out loud without even realizing it.
ew.

today i walked into the boys bathroom at school.
totally by accident. but it was funny.

ahhh. so much school work to do but im not that stressed. i am. but not so much i feel sick. so its nice.

thas all.

its officially cold out

this morning when i went out to my car my windows were fogged over.
and tonight at my house.
for the first time this year.
the heater was turned on.
dun dun dunnnn.

i really. really despise the cold. i honestly think i could live my whole life in summer.
throw in a week or 2 of every other season once a year, and id be just peachy.


its upsetting right now that both my little sister and good good friend are having the same exact boy troubles.
the boy drama is inescapable. and heartbreak hurts at every age. are we going to be plagued with the same problems our whole lives?
i feel so bad because i feel for these girls. ive been there. and i know that nothing i say will really help because the only thing that helps heal is time. its true. and they know it. but that doesnt help their hurting RIGHT now.
im not much of an advice giver. but i guess im a good shoulder.
i want to fix them.

i on the other hand am having absolutely no boy problems. everything is smooth and my heart feels good. i guess i could do without the freight train of desirous feelings ive been having lately, lol. but soon enough those will pass too. =)

hey wheres tasha?

ill be in the tri. 13 more sleeps.

well

its official. everyone i ever become close to in san diego.
moves the fuck away.
marianna.
john.
steve.
chris.
vanessa.
and now.

erica is leaving me. and soon. as soon as the semesters over.
shell be dropping me off at the airport at 5 am and then driving her and her little dogs all the way across the country back to chicago.
she says its only gonna be for one semester. but i donno.

i dont get why this just seems to happen to me. shes the closest to a best friend ive had in a long long while. and im just so....ugh. i dont know.

im sick of trying to build this life. it shouldn't be this hard you know. ive been here for 2.5 years and i havent got a single long term friendship to show for it.
lol im just a big fat loser.

AGH.
=(

i have to go do work. i have homework ADD.
BYE.

wtb!!

i cant believe tomorrow = december.

nuttiness.

only 2 and a half weeks till this semester is over and im back in tc.

where is my life going????

only 2 and a half months till im 21.
funny but i dont want to turn 21. im happy as a clam just being 20. i will be officially old. and i dont want that to happen. eeeeeekssss.
theres no big event to look forward to after your 21. unless you get married or have a child or something.
lol why the hell am i being so pessimistic?
life is good babay. goooooood. but lets just freeze the clocks for right now.

mmmkay.

i wont be eating turkey today

pardon those poor birds.
happy thanksgiving yall.
today is depressing. i wont be with my fam but i guess thats the price you pay for moving 1200 miles away from your closest relatives.
my dads abandoning me to take his gf to la today cuz shes flying to australia at like midnight.
fortunately he filled up my tank and gave me a benjamin so i can now go to my makeshift familys house and buy some groceries and eat food with erica and ingvild.
lol they have no family here either.
ericas is in chicago. ingvilds in norway. (hence the name INGVILD)
none of us know how to cook so it should be mildly entertaining.
ha.
much love and comida.

im going on a diet tomorrow.
master cleansing it maybe.
hmmm.
peace.

noone blogs anymore.

i hate you all.
bitches.

i have the whole week off from school and im bored.
i actually have things to do and people i can hang out with lately. but i only have 2.27 in my bank account and even less than that in my gas tank. so i feel like a mooch having people come pick me up. ugh i cant wait for the first. i need to stop living beyond my means. but this month im blaming it on my 400 cell bill. if it hadnt cost that much id still have money.(and it wasnt my fault it cost that much)

but who wants to hear about my money troubles.

i turned my app in for state a couple days ago. im nervous. like i signed a transfer agreement contract with mesa that basically said im guaranteed acceptance to any UC i want once i finish my 60 transferrable units and if i keep a gpa above 2.5. which it is.
but state is super overcrowded right now. last spring they didnt even take any new students and apparently they are already 30% over capacity. stupid. people need to go away.
but i have a plan. if i dont get accepted im going to travel all next fall. i want to save money next semester and get a jobafter i get back from the tri for christmas. then ill just work really hard all spring and summer and then in the fall ill go spend some months over seas.
i need info on backpacking.
how do i get this.
anyone want to go with me?

im feeling restless. i want to flyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. ahhh.

adding on to the previous post since im in such a chatty mood...

im wide awake because i took a 4 hour nap earlier today and then drank some caffeinated chai tea.
i hate napping. i feel like its such a waste of the day. but i had nothing i had to do so i indulged. and it felt good.
i have some really bad tan lines. i wear hot yoga shorts to swim class because i dont really want to wear a little bathing suit when im working out and the person swimming behind you can totally see your business if your doing the breaststroke and theyre wearing goggles.
so i need to go tanning. i dont want to pay for it tho so maybe ill just get white. atleast i can still sit outside and get some uv raysss. but i wish erica still just worked at her salon. haha.
the other day i was under my bed searching for something and i found some boxer/briefs that had accidently wiggled their way down there. somehow. from my visitor. im wearing them right now.
but it was kinda strange because later that same day doing laundry i was like oooh i wish i had some more. and then when i was folding all my dry clothes there was this little pair of black hanes girl versions of the same underwear i had found earlier!
i was like wtf.
im pretty sure theyre my dads gfs cause i did my laundry right after her but isnt that kind of a strange coincidence. i left them in my drawer. thats kind of creepy to wear someone elses underwear. but im not gonna give them back cuz i want to buy my own plus i dont want to be like here clancy ive had your underwear for like a week now. uhm. yah. weirdo.
i hate living with 3 men because there are just little things i find completely necessary that they may not. like toilet paper. if we run out of toilet paper they can go a couple days without replenishing the stock. i dont know what they do when they have to go number 2 and i really dont WANT to know, but being a girl and not having the right parts to wiggle it off, its pretty crucial that toilet paper is there for use EVERY time.
also my room is right by the bathroom so i always make sure to have my door shut and music on if someone walks in there with pooey intentions. sick. i dont know why im so sick and telling people this stuff. i guess i just wish i had my own bathroom. that would be nice.

i wish i was going to be home for thanksgiving. last year i celebrated with friends and passed out drunk after eating tofurky. not exactly classy. and thanksgiving is just like THE family holiday. it used to be so much fun with my fam. my grandma would make homemade pies and everyone would actually show up. now all my moms brothers and sisters (all 7 of them) are feuding eachother and noone gets along anymore. but i would always go sit in the spare room with my cousins and look through all my grandmas photo albums. i always felt so special because out of the 30-some grandchildren, im the only one who got a whole entire album dedicated to my youth. sweet sweet gma love.

my hair is fading and it looks bad, but i dont want to re-dye it yet. i want to wait till i get to the tri and see what carrie can do with it. i want to gradually start lightening back up i think. dark is just not me. i gave it a shot but i like being blonde. but i have no idea how bad this is gonna be to my hair. hopefully it doesnt fry off and die. i want to get this stuff called ovation hair cell therapy. its supposed to make your hair grow thicker stronger longer yadda yadda. normally i dont fall for those ploys but gina the latina on ajs playhouse show in the morning always talks about it, and ive seen pictures of her and her hair looks fabulous.
its really expensive. like 100 dollars for a 12 oz bottle. so maybe ill ask for it for xmas. bah.

i need to make a list of things i want for christmas. my mom always asks me what i want and i never give her a list cuz i feel weird just being like here. these are the things i want you to buy me. but when i dont she always just gets me soooo much stuff and most of it is like little cheap stuff that adds up, and honestly id rather just get a couple nice things than a bunch i dont want lol. but shes so particular about having it be "even" under the tree. atleast this year i wont have to share all my shit with derrick. i swear last year it was just like dishes and foreman grills and juicers and comforters. i felt like suffocating with domestication. and i didnt even take that stuff when i moved out. dumb.

so really i just want some new jeans. my new sunglasses i already know shes getting. some yoga stuff. and that shampoo. wooot.

loogies.

I'm such a shitty driver.
not in the sense that i get in crashes and whatever. (that pedestrian wasn't my fault!) but i cant drive slow! its like when I'm on the high way I'm only going fast enough if I'm catching up to the car in front of me.
I'm gonna get a fat ticket one of these days and hate myself i know.


i like plucking my eyebrows in the car. is that weird? the best light is in there i think.

I'm so sick of being semi-sick. my immune system needs to buck up. its like I'm not sick enough to where i can use it as a legitimate excuse to bail on people or not do what i don't want to do. but I'm sick enough that that's what i feel like doing. haha. its been like 2 weeks now dammit and I've probably swallowed so much snot it would make you barf. since i don't know how to hock a loogie. blahhchh. just thinking of loogies makes me want to gag.

speaking of gagging. i was watching YouTube reaction videos to 2 girls 1 cup earlier. i know that was cool like a year ago but i happened to come across one in my search for something else and some were so funny i was crying from laughing. like who subjects their poor grandma to that awfulness? entertaining for me. ha.

i don't think ill ever be a good stoner. i get paranoid sometimes especially if I'm around people i don't really know and i just don't like that feeling. but every once in a while ill take a bong load and then think I'm the smartest person on the planet. i have so many ideas and the explanation for everything when I'm high i swear. but then later i cant remember what brills idea i had. i should start carrying around a notebook. ha.

so the other day i was talking to one of my friends from class and he like totally insulted me through "compliments" and i was just thinking, you cant be serious right?

like first he said oh you have pretty eyes.
cool thanks i guess. generic but whatever.
they're really big.
...OK. not exactly sure what to do with that one.
but they fit your head. like if your eyes were that big with a small head you would look like a lemur or something.
!!...!&#^@&@#!@

then a little bit later..

it really surprises me that you're a vegetarian.
why?
well like my mom and sister are vegetarians and they're so skinny and sickly!
oh. thanks. i see.
not that you're fat you just look healthy! like you get protein!
...right well vegetarian does not = skinny. i still enjoy lots of bread. and cheese. and ice cream. thanks for pointing it out tho! haha.

then he said i was having such a girl reaction. he was trying to compliment me.

his idea of compliments were telling me i have a big head and that I'm not skinny...lol agh. when will they ever learn.

is it just me or is time seriously flying by? like on a jet plane. or a rocket ship.

it feels like i was JUST in the tri not that long ago, and ill already be there again soon. less than a month. sometimes i just wish everyone would move here instead. i feel like I'm always planning my life out according to trips to the tri. and its making me avoid stuff i want to do.
oh ill just get a job after i come home from wa.
oh ill just volunteer at the animal shelter after i get back.
oh after i get back in cali ill start living a life.
after after after is always my excuse. and its a lame one. this i am well aware. but it doesn't stop me from using it. bahhh.

i really want to work at an animal shelter.
i have to apply to state and moorpark soon. i might not apply to moorpark. Even though its highly unlikely ill get accepted in the first place since they only have 50 spots for 400 applicants. i don't want to get accepted by freak chance and then have to turn it down. because I'm pretty much positive that before i do what i really want to do i just need to buckle down and knock out my bachelors or it will never happen. i know me and i know if i take a 2 year break in between my aa and ba it's not likely that i will go back to school. and i don't want to do that to myself. i have an awesome setup and situation, i would be a fucking idiot to screw it up or not do it.
but i just want to work with the animalessssss.

just a bunch of bupkuss.
and i could think of probably 10 other randoms i want to write about but I'm just NOT gonna do it. ha.

marley

i



miss my




dog. so damn much.




it hurts to think about it. but its not getting any easier. i think its getting worse.




i cant believe ill never see those little nuts again.

=(

ugh.

are you a weirdo? come to my school.

my school campus attracts some crazies.
a couple weeks ago it was the 10 foot blown up pics of aborted fetuses.
today some random old dude was standing in the middle of the quad lawn holding a big pole attached to a huge sign that said REPENT OR BURN IN HELL SATANS CHILDREN.
and under that there was a list of everyone who was gonna go to hell. basically everyone but christians.
any other faith, satans child. fornicators. baby killers. all satans children.
i get that theres a right to free speech but im sick of these annoying religious fanatics coming to my school and trying to push their stupid beliefs on the young impressionable minds of the students.
were not that dumb. go elsewhere.

just a little rant.
bah.

so

i got on facebook today and i had a new friend request and i was like. cool man.
clicked on it.
and it said michelle larson would like to be your friend.

ummmmm. wtf.

2 days ago my uncle friend requested me and i was a little hesitant since hes all christian with 6 kids. but i was just like whatev. and accepted it.

my uncle is one thing. but now my MOM??

NO!! lol. i dont know what to do.

full of nothingness

i reallllly dont understand why i cant edit my text anymore on this stupid blog. the only thing i can do to it is make it bold or italic

dub tee eff.

i havent really been good at updating lately. well for one cos of my laptop charger. which i got a new one of finally btw. im lovin having my computer back yayyyy. except my virus protection ran out so im scared something bad is gonna happen and the whole thing is gonna crash and ill be devastatedddd.

especially bc i just bought the whole new lady gaga cd on itunes, and all my music isnt backed up because i dont know how to burn discs. rip discs. whatever.
im pretty much computer retarded.

i forgot what my for 2 was.
you cant have a for one without a for two.

oh yes.
its because. nothing very cool is happening in my life! pretty much its just school and yoga and sex and the city nights at ericas. were re-watching every season and i think weve made it to about halfway thru the third. party animals i know.




speaking of animals. dbag derr got rid of my dog without even telling me. im beyond pissed and beyond sad about it. i dont really like to talk or even think about it but yah. i always just kinda figured once i figured out my life a little i would be able to take him back. and now hes gone. forever. fuck. apparently he went to a nice married family in temecula who had 2 other dogs and a big yard with a pond. so im happy about that. i guess. =/

i had been having all these crazy dreams about mar for like a week and half. every night about him transforming into other dogs or jumping across logs in a river like on frogger. i knew subconsciously something had to be up. and i was right. unfortunately i was a week late. boo.

ugh im kinda getting a cold right now. its just been festering inside me for the past 3 days not sure if it wants to pop up and say a full blown hello or stay dormant. im hoping for the latter. i dont really ever get sick and i sure as hell dont need it right now. everyone i know here is hacking up lungs and sneezing their eyeballs out. erica has bronchitis and sinus infections and my housemates have a flu and a cold. its the weather i think. it dropped to like 65 oh me oh my.


oh i heard about eli michelle. yowza ouchhh!

i got tix to fly home for christmas today. dec 18th-jan 15th. almost a full month. whoop. im pretty excited. and ill finally get to meet talon. yayyy.


i probably really should go to bed. this is a bunch of random nonsense anyways. and i have class in the morning. nighttttt.

10 things about me

1. i always have a boy in my life. i cant remember the last time i wasnt atleast "talking" to someone or the last time i was truly single in every sense of the word.

2. im not really a 'holiday-y' type person. i didnt even do anything on halloween. i feel a little scroogy saying that but holidays are always so much planning and it gets kind of annoying and obligatory feeling.

3. im completely lost in my life. everything i want to do is conflicting instead of complimentary. sometimes i feel like i want to be a housewife and stay at home with kids and just be taken care of, and other times i cant think of anything worse than that.

4. i believe in astrology. im an aquarius. and for the most part, it couldnt be any more dead-on. and when i read profiles on other people i know, its really accurate as well. every time i meet a boy i look up their sign compatibility with mine. my best match is libra. =)

5. i had a crush on a girl once. i just wanted to like..BE her. i was infatuated and i have no idea why, because i know i love boys haha. but before she moved away she told me shed always had a crush on me. we both had boyfriends at the time, and we made plans to hang out, then i freaked and ditched. havent talked to her since.

6. im voting democrat this year, but i think sometimes i might be a closet republican. i definitely have right-leaning tendencies.

7. im only going to school to get my degree. because i dont know anything better to do. everything i ever think i want to do can be accomplished without a degree, but i feel more secure this way.

8. what i want more than anything else is a super tight group of girlfriends like on satc. i always just have like one "best" friend, but i want like 4. wouldnt that be rad.

9. i feel identity-less with this brown hair. the platinum has always just sorta been myyy thing. im gonna try it out for awhile but i can probably guarantee you 110% ill be back to blonde. and sooner rather than later.

10. i always get brazilian waxes. they hurt like a bitch but i feel way hotter whenever i get them hahaha. even tho noone knows but me. =)



bought a new charger online, should be here in a couple days. and ill be back to bloggin. whoop whoop. <3

i dyed my hair brown.

dark browny red. dark.








eek.

ive

been without a computer for a while so i havent been online much at all.
my powercord is broken so i have to wait to turn the laptop on until i buy a new battery. which is a lot. so. bah.
im not moving. thanks tash.
my heart is feeling a bit numb today. im missing someone. boos for that.
weather is getting cold. i need winter clothes.
lotssss of school work right now. thank thee lord next semester is gonna be a light load. ive been at school since february. with that little break i took to come home this summer.
but im almost done with my aa. yay. ok so i guess thats not a little break, 6 weeks is a good amount of vacation time. im dreading being a grown up and only getting a week of paid vacation a year. sick.
gotta go study. swamped.

yesterday i hit a pedestrian.

not even joking.
i wish i was joking but im not. luckily it was all his fault and not mine. but that doesnt happen every day.
bahah.
i was driving in a lane about to go to the turn lane to the left of a bunch of cars when some dude came dashing out in front of the lane of cars and right into my turn lane. i slammed on the brakes but i still smashed into him. he was fine and i screamed. he ended up reassuring me that he was ok patting me on the head thru my open window, and then he just dashed off again.
what an odd fucking happening.


i took back those pants i talked about last post. i was still feeling sick over spending 140 on jeans and i figured if it was a week later and i still had a crazy stomach twist over them i didnt actually need them. i felt kinda bad cuz i wore them once and when she asked me if i had i said no. luckily all i really did wear them for was to go sit on ericas couch to get stoned and do homework. so there wasnt any damage from my "fat ass" sitting in them. eee i hate snooty cash register people. ok but i get that its probably annoying to have people try to return stuff they just wanted to wear for a night out, but thats not what i did. doubt she believed me. bahaa.

i went exploring in my surroundings the other day when i was hellllza bored. and methinks i found one of my new favorite chill spots.



its this neat little suspension bridge in one of the neighborhoods around my house. it was built cuz theres some big canyon in between the houses. its nice. it rocks. scarryyyyy.


erica wants me to move in with her next month if her current roommate situation doesnt work out. i really want to.
rationally i know its not a good idea, why spend money on rent i dont need to pay? why move farther away from school?
i just have this weird relationship with my dad. its not really father daughter. its not really friend friend. i just want my own little home.
and wed have so much fun being roommates. im over there pretty much 24/7 anyway. and ive never lived on my own having to pay rent and deal with bills and all that. i think itd be an interesting step to making it on my own in this big kid world.

butttttttt....
i donno. i need to think about it some more.

well thats all really. i have to go do some hw. peeeaccee.

since everyone else did it.

well look at u little bloggers.
ew i wrote "u". i used to haaaaaate when people wrote "u" instead of "you" but ive been finding myself doing it a ton lately. probably cuz my texting is so annoying i try to make things as quick as possible. ya michelle i have an iphone. but u-you cant give it to a homeless child in a 3rd world country.
but you cant be mad because i donated the hugest bag of clothing to salvation army the other week.
like so big i couldnt even lift it. i saw some clothes in there i still kinda wanted but i figured since ive lived over a year with them just chillin in a bag in my old garage, i probably wouldnt miss them. and yah. i dont.

i got some new jeans today. but im kind of debating taking them back. it makes me sick to spend over 100 dollars on jeans. i hate spending money on stuff. id rather at the end of the month not have anything to show for all the money i spent than see the stuff that i 'wasted' money on.
but i really needed them. my other jeans were starting to get inappropriately holed up. i dont wanna flash anybody.

sometimes i get anxious over the dumbest things. like if i loan someone a pencil in class, all class period long ill randomly think. i wonder if theyre gonna give it back. hmm lets see if they give it back.
like who the eff cares, its a freaking pencil. or if i miss roll, ill think oh my gosh i gotta make sure i let the teacher know i was here. and i think it allllll class period long. like its gonna kill me if im "absent" a day when im not. sometimes i think its almost OCD-ish. its weird.

i also bought pro-active today because my skin has been freaking out on me and my normal face wash isnt working anymore. its dumb i never used to everrrr get pimples. yuck i dont even like saying that word. but i think maybe its all the yoga? i dono. does anyone know if its bad to use pro-activ if you are in the sun and chlorine a lot?

i am on a search for the best green tea that you can buy from a store. i like it realllllly really super plain with maybe like the tiniest teensiest bit of sweetener or lemon. every time i go to the store and get a "green tea" i throw it away after like 2 drinks because it is definitely NOT green tea. and i dont really have the patience to make it at home before rushing off to class.
i want to stop drinking coffee cos it gives me heartburn but i have the best morning ritual drive to school that i dont want to eff up. so i need something to drink.


i feel like im writing about the most mundane stuff. lol but thats all there really is. im feeling really positive about life lately. i was having a funk the other week. i was really stressed about homework and money, but this week i got paid and turned in my papers. its great how things can change so fast. next time im bummed im going to remember that.


why cant i change my font size or alignment?

fuck

homework! fuck it. really. fuck fuck fuck. i dont know whats wrong with me, i have all this time with no job and all to do my shit, but i just procrastinate and wait and sit until the VERY LAST possible second. and then rush to get it done and write crap papers. god im soooo frustrated with myself right now. i just have to face the fact that im not the scholarly type. yah i like learning, but i think writing papers about what ive learned is a crock of smelly b.s. who gives a fuck what i think! u know 90% of the class just copies pastes and rearranges!!! or is that just me? goahhhhhhh. i could never ever be a journalist. the thought of writing for a living makes me want to shit my pants. i dont understand how people think im smart. i dont know how i got good grades in high school, it just happened. and still in college i can put in minimum effort and manage straight b's. ive never had to work for it in my life, and i think its a crappy deal that i have to now. and that just sounded whiney and bratty and completely ungrateful.
im happy to be getting an education. nothings sexier than some smarts.

but. agahhahhhahahgakjgahaghuarhuagrhuaeiuseriuserph!!!!!!!! aekfhaouarghuagruhagiaurahgraiupr!!!!!!

on a happier note. im getting a visitor soon. =)

peace the fuck out you fuckers.

priorities

yesterday i blew off doing my homework so that i could go to a party and get drunk.
then i got really drunk and am super sick today, so i dont feel like doing that homework.

i know i need to prioritize. i cant figure out whats more important to me. opening up my social life, or school. i know i can do both. i just got excited to meet new friends lol.

so today and tomorrow ill be working my ass off. eyew.


hungover taking a nap in the backseat of my car, trying to force myself to go back to class.

doesnt anyone else think its cool i met michael franti?


ahhhhhhhhh.

=)

all the freaky people make the beauty of the world

i always end yoga with a cig.
yah. i cant help it.
i dont crave nicotine. i crave the ritual. especially when driving.

street scene tomorrow. sooo stoked to see michael franti and spearhead. theres a bunch of other artists i only vaguely recognize. if at all.
im such a faker. ha. but i love it.

i even bought a new outfit i totally cant afford. from american apparel. im discovering how much i really adore their clothes. plain and solid colors. but stylish and perfect cuts. right up my alley.
their website is fucking WEIRD tho. slightly pornographic.
these shorts and shirt are from there. =====>

bum bum be bum bum bum be dum dum.
i cant really stand rihanna. i dont know why something about her face just rubs me the wrong way. but her songs are catchy as hell.

thats all that mattered to me today, thursday the 18th. my names casandra carter. and youve just been cassed in.

youtube sxephil. then youll get it. hes funny as fuck.


sorry for all the profanity.

love.

caged bird.

doing some deep soul searching bs lately. and i decided im probably the worst girl to date ever.

for someone like me being such a serial monogamist since like 15. im the most commitment phobe person i know. how can that work... a commitment phobic monagamist?

it dawned on me. not too long ago and has been rolling around in my little cabeza ever since, that most every relationship ive entered...atleast boy-wise. i entered fully aware that it was never gonna last. i entered thinking...when will this end? maybe i picked them because i knew it wasnt going to work, or maybe i didnt even want to try to make it work because i DONT SEE THE POINT of being in a committed relationship at this time in my life. but i want all the lovey feelings. all that fluffy duffy gooey shit. contrary to some crazy freshman events of my past...i actually dont like random hookups. i dont even really like sex unless its with someone i care about, and more importantly who cares about me. i donno.. just the way i was made i guess.

so my mouth would just spew words of reassurance. "yah baby i love you. your the one for me" yah the one for me....right now.

i dont want to sound bitchy because i honestly think my ex boyfriends are cool people. and i dont think i was blatantly deceitful with my feelings. (because who wants to honestly believe themselves incapable of love?) obviously they were real. but as real as i could let them be at that point of my life. does that make sense?

since i can remember, ive had this crazy little panicked feeling inside. like. theres a purpose to your life casandra and its up to you to find out what it is.

but ive been really lazy about trying to figure it out. i have no roots but i have no wings. and i think ultimately that little panicky feeling is whats led to the demise of my relationships. not everyone should be a fleeting blip on lifes radar. actually probably noone should. but i think that ive let myself treat one too many people that way. quietly disattached.

but with a smile on my face.

i dont want to write anymore right now.
maybe
to be continued...

blog addict

so i already wrote today. but the strangest most odd thing happened just a little bit ago i had to cultivate it into words.

i went to the c2 class at 6 at my yoga studio and from the beginning i was feeling kind of antsy. about halfway thru class, the most powerful anger ive ever felt just rushed throughout my whole entire body. i was literally coursing with anger. my blood felt hot. even my face turned red! it was so just....odd. i dont even know how to describe it without sounding like a loony bin. but the rest of practice all i wanted to do was punch my instructor in the face. the people next to me in the face. my own self in the face. i even almost started to cry at one point.

ive heard of angry feelings arising during practice before. but its never happened to me.

powerful.

im gonna go google it.

ta ta.

skeeeeels

ive decided instead of trying to earn money the old fashioned way im going to listen to channel 933 everyday at 410. theyve got the skeeeels to pay my beeeeeels.
500 dollars to do whatever with.
im putting them on speed dial.

i miss my dog so much. when i think about him my chest feels hollow. like i can feel my heart beating against my rib cage. i try not to think about him but my dad has a boxer. and even tho they look nothing alike, i may be scratching his belly when he gives me a look just like marley. and sometimes i think about crying. but i dont. im pretty good at not crying. i just wish i could have given him the right life. im sure derrick is a good dog parent, but i bet he doesnt get spoiled with attention anymore. he was my baby.

u know whats gross? people always mistake my dad and i for a couple. its fucking sick, i hate going out to dinner with him. because just...how... AWKWARD. what are you suppose to say in that situation. um no this is my fatherrrrr. maitre 'd.

atleast maybe when im 40 ill look 25.
but probably not cuz i went to the science museum here once and they had this booth where they would take your picture and project what you would look like 20, 30, 40 years in the future. and ewwiee. all i know is i better not be single when im 65. bahaha

today is

yoga.chargers.hw.wine.vma's.

heres to the girls in the little red shoes who spend their mens money and drink their mens booze.

ruthless.

haha girl your crazayyyy.

happy weekend.

weekends here are kinda hard, i feel a lot more homesick come saturdays than any other day of the week. im sure it will subside once i get my thriving social life kicked off the ground haha. but i just flow with it.

im actually going to ericas later to day rage it, so im sure that frown will be turned upside down once i finish my laundry and shower and whatnot. lol.

my room smells like incense. its cute, its my little haven. i bought a wall tapestry (actually im pretty sure its a thin bed spread. but whatev) with the om symbol all over it, and i got a cute little wall box that says dream, vision, imagine create, begin attempt, expand transform... follow your bliss. with some trippy little art on it. i love it, its hanging right above my bed. i want to get a tat that says follow your bliss underneath the om symbol. and i have a ficus and a cute little ikea rainbow lamp. and im waiting for this awesome bookshelf/desk to get into ikea so i can put up all my bins of books and nicknacks. thats pretty much all the rest of the unpacking i have left. anyways its the best room ive ever had. ive never really been one to decorate, but im finding joy in making this room "my" space.

my floors are wood. its nice looking but my feet are always dirty. so im always paranoid about getting dirt on my white comforter. and the cat always sleeps on my bed so her fur is all over. blech. i dont know whats wrong with these pics. they are like glued together. but thats what it looks like.

i miss jacob. he is my best boy/friend. we still talk pretty much everyday which is nice because i definitely dont talk to as many people as i did when i was in the tri lol. pretty much just melissa and jacob.

i went to apply for a job at cpk yesterday. i love cpk they have the best mediterranean hummus salads. but its at the mall and it was soooo hard walking by all the stores at fashion valley. i love american apparel. and the lucky brand store. and anthropologie. i definitely like the shopping options better here than the tri. haha. i want all this stuff, but i cant afford it. but then i just tell myself i dont really need it, and to not be so superficial. bah.

people need to come visit me.

bloody brilliant.

forget the girl.
this is russell brand.
he's a british comedian.
and i just spent like 2 hours youtubing him.
hes in that movie forgetting sarah marshall.
which was damn funny.
and hes hosting the vma's on sunday. so.

hes gonna be all over the place soon enough.

i love a guy whose vocabulary consists of more than just a constant stream of 4 letter expletives.
oh and he says "hullabaloo"
precious.

pet peeve of mine

people who ride their bicycles on the street. when theres a perfectly good sidewalk 2 feet to their right.
drives me freaking insane! especially when driving in hillcrest where the traffic is nutty already and the lanes arent wide enough for any car bigger than a mini cooper. people are always narrowly avoiding head on collisions and side swipes, and the bikes just weaving in and out of cars dont help the situation whatsoever! im surprised i havent hit anyone yet! knock on wood.

so im done with my 2nd week of class. my days are long and exhausting! (oh woe is me.) but i pretty much love them all. and i dont know if its just me or whats going on but i must put off some sort of different vibe/aura whenever im single because last semester i hardly me anyone in my classes. noone really made an effort to talk to me (it embarasses me to say that. lol) and my shy ass definitely didnt go out of the way to make friends. but it seems this semester already ive met a few cool cats. ha. so we'll see.

the other day my dad was talking about his gf/whatev. and how she had a conference call with a bunch of her friends from aussieland, and all her best friends have just had babies, and he thinks her maternal clock is ticking. regardless of if it is or not i dont really think theyd have children together. but ive always sorta wondered if my free spirit fatha will ever actually settle down and do family the "right" way. i dont know exactly how it makes me feel. it would be awesome to have another little sibling. but ive been his only kid for so long its kinda like...hmm. plus im pretty much at the age where if i wanted i could start my own little carter fam. just a little whatev.

im pretty much ridiculously broke right now. i think im gonna be looking for a job this weekend and ive been tossing around the idea of (dont laugh) applying at hooters. with my class schedule i dont really have the extra time for a lot of work, but id still like a lot of money haha and the girls there make bank. this girl in my chem class works there and she said she probably pulls in 150-200 a night just in tips. i could work 2 or 3 nights a week and be rollin. subjugating myself to leering creepy man eyes doesnt really bother me, and i dont think its a humiliating profession, but i just dont know if i have the mental capacity to sling chicken wings and deal with rowdy drunk football fans.
plus its kind of a paradox of my own "morals" of being a wanna-be vegan natural chick working at a place that sells only meat and would probably lead to a boob job down the road. (ive always wanted them actuallllllly)
so i donno. hmm.

what else. this is a long post.
oh yah. obviously from the previous posts, ive been talking about yoga a lot. but i cant help it. its my new old obsession. i think ive only missed 2 or 3 days since getting back and last night i had my best practice ever. it was soooo exhausting, but my body just melted like butter. my favorite instructor was directing class and shes kind of strange. im pretty sure she has a sweat fetish because whenever shes correcting your postures she like rubs her hands all thru your sweat. lol i get the weirdest vibe from her but shes a damn good teacher so i never miss her class, since she only teaches twice a week.
i want to go to india and study yoga at an ashram. not just the physical "hatha" part of yoga but the whole philosophy. i really connect with it, and its the closest to spiritual ive ever been. and india is the mecca of yogini-wannabes.

who knows where life will lead.

ok im going now. if you read all of this i love you. hahahah.
peaceeeee.

wino

today in yoga we were practicing inverted postures. which is like handstands and such.

the guy in front of me was wearing these short little baggy shorts. kinda like boxer briefs.

just guess where this is going.

so i was sitting there when the guy kicked up into his crow pose and his left nut in all its glory popped out.

awkward.

wear some bigger shorts man.

of course after that i couldnt concentrate worth shit to actually center and balance myself so i just went to childs pose asap.

today i went and hung out with my friend erica. the only real girlfriend i have in sd. we were never THAT great of friends. and i was always kind of wary because derrick would always just be... i dont know. like hey invite erica over. hey let me talk to erica while you arent around.

she never responded so i know it wasnt her. but for a while i was like f that.

anyways. we drank like 2 bottles of wine and walked around o.b.

it was so fun.

i love girls. i miss girls. i know thats weird sounding. but im just so ready to have friends without wondering what the bf will say. u know?

something funny...anyone ever seen the show baby borrowers?

she lives with the girl that was on there from sd.

weird.

im really fucking loving reggae music lately. ive always loved it but i didnt really explore the opportunites before.

and ive just been studying it like it was a school subject. such beautiful lyrics.

i have to go do homework. ugh class tomorrow.

i shouldnt be saying ugh already.

hahahahhahahahahaa.

im still drunk. shit.

epitome of dumb blonde

i dont know whats wrong with me lately.

yesterday i was cooking some soup in the kitchen and theres a couch in there (dont ask me why)

out of the corner of my eye i saw this slithering motion underneath it.

i froze. terrified. (yes snakes creep me)

texted my dad and was like "theres a snake in the kitchen come home right now!"

so i kept watching it from atop my kitchen counter. and then a minute later i hear this strained meowing sound coming from underneath.

instead of using my brain and realizing it was the cat stuck under there, i burst into tears and frantically called my dad to tell him to hurry cuz the snake was eating the cat!!

lol sometimes i cant believe myself.

then today i went to get my car washed and pulled into the automatic part and started to roll up my windows when i realized that my passenger side window was stuck half-way down. (which it is notorious for doing)

i couldnt back out because there was like 4 cars behind me. so i instead got an impromptu bath.

i finally got it to roll up...

when the dryers came on!

good lord.

tobaccaffeine

i started smoking and drinking coffee again today.
bahahaha.
i figured later on down the road in one of my psych classes i have an experiment where i have to manipulate one of my bad habits and either eradicate it completely or try really hard. so ill do it then.
if i feel like it. i didnt really care about quitting in the first place, but living with my dad and keeping it a secret isnt the easiest. even tho im sure he knows. id still never in a million years smoke in front of him. its weird
.but damn those 45 traffic jammed minutes to class in the morning sure are annoying.

im lonely talk to me.

thats what i feel like saying in a mass text to everyone in my phone book on nights like this.

of course i dont but sometimes i wish id get random surprise messages.

or calls. or whatev.

my days are fine. blissfully happy actually. night isnt even too bad. sometimes tho i just wish i had a warm body next to me. i think thats the worst part about being on my own.

on my own in this big lonely world.

you know...

i think im reeling a little bit. not bc i miss him. but i feel like one day i had a relationship and the next i didnt. i dont feel like that. thats what happened.

i found out i was single by myspace didnt i tell ya. okay so obviously the whole thing had gone bad and we hadnt talked for like 2 weeks before hand. but thats how it "officially" went down.

like...really?

and i havent heard one word from him since. not one single peep.

its not so much a matter of me missing him, or missing those days. honestly im truly relieved that its over. but maybe its a matter of my pride. of my precious little fragile ego.

call it what you will but i sometimes think in my head. " what is so wrong with me, or so lackluster about me, that a person who dated me for a year and a half can just erase me. so easily. without a hint of remorse or sadness. or anything... pretend i didnt exist bitch."

sure i dont talk to him either. its a 2 way street. but he initiated it all. and i think thats just what stings a little at 1am when i cant sleep.

i want to observe these feelings and then tie them up in a pretty little box and put them away. theres nothing i can do. nothing that i want to do. but sometimes it just helps to think.

its my 6th day without a cig.

and i havent drank coffee in like a month in a half.

correction. i bought one today. took 2 drinks and got insta heart burn. so i threw it out.

my 2 biggest vices i just one day decide to give up.

i can do that u know.

im pretty good at just...letting go.

anyway. i dont know where this is going.

already i miss these days.

reason to smile today

getting out of an intensely rewarding yoga session. driving down university avenue with the windows rolled down. seeing and hearing all the happy people spilling out of the shops and restaurants, laughing and strolling along holding hands. boys with boys, girls with girls. girls with boys.
the sun is shining not a cloud in the sky and on the radio plays "here comes the sun little darling"
its times like that that makes me believe in life.

shit its 4 in the morning!

cant sleep.

probably cuz i ate buckets of sugar at disneyland.

ya thats right i went to the dirty disney today/yesterday.

it was totally random. this girl my dads (maybe?) seeing. im not sure of their exact relationship status, but she showed up at the house this morning as i was getting ready for yoga and was like, hey mate fancy going to ditney land taday?

her and her friend are austrailian and theyre only like 27 and had never been. i couldnt say no.

damn it was fun. ive always avoided going to big theme parks because for 1.

living in california, it seems like such a tourist thing to do. and tourists bug me. ha

and for 2. im an agorophobe hardcore.

and 3. i hate children.

ok well i dont hate them. i love certain ones. but i hate the screaming snot nosed brats that tend to show up in droves.

anyways it was really fun and it reminded me that spontanaity (that is definitely misspelled) is completely necessary. im the type of person who usually throws out an idea before even thinking it over, and i really dont want to do that anymore! so much fun is to be had if your willing to just step out of the box every once in a while.

anyways i had a great time. and on the drive home i found myself saying bugger something. and then i couldnt stop laughing for like 10 minutes. i sounded like an authentic aussie. hahahahahahaha.

night my loves.

yoga.

god its amazing. i was being lazy earlier and was like. maybe ill just go tomorrow.

but since im home im focusing on my health. the tri did it to me hard.

so i went. and i just feel 1 thousand times better. especially after the weird day i had.

i was gonna say fuck it and not go to my (as of now, former) apt to get my stuff. i was being chicken shit. and i was nervous mar wouldnt remember me.

but i went anyway. and really. it wasnt that bad. as far as breakups go ive had worse. but then again theres no comparison to the awful 50x me and dan broke up back in the day.

but overall it was pretty painless. i got there and things were awkward. it was like i didnt even know this kid anymore.

i told him he could leave while i got my stuff. i think maybe he was bummed. but then again he probably didnt care.

so he left. and i packed and it took all of 2 hours.

i know now that everything is for the right reason. i walked into that apartment that was my home for a year, and it didnt even feel like mine whatsoever.

plus it was a fucking pigsty. u know boys live there now. but i feel content. peaceful.

i was feeling just...down. but i went to yoga. and it made all the difference. im high on endorphins. and now im here chillen listening to bob stephen and steel pulse.

oh and mar tackled me and licked my face the instant i stepped thru the door. so i worried for nothing =)

its funny who your friends are. i'd just like to say to tasha and melissa, the girls ive been best friends with forever, but the past 3 years had lost touch, when i needed them. they came. and i love them more than ever. its nice to know some people will always care.

changes they are a comin.

much love.

-cas

back in daygo.

so.

i made it back.

the guy next to me on the plane was so big he took up a quarter of my seat and i didnt get to have my armrest down. which had the buttons on for the tv so i watched silent cnn for 2.5 hours.

watch. one day ill get that fat and feel bad for talking shit but damn. buy 2 seats bud.

i feel a litttttle weird. i came home to sd and i feel like a stranger. its so cute how earnest my dad was when i got back showing me my new room he spent all day fixing up for me. and i sit here looking at the ikea catalog just thinking. wtf am i doing?

i love san diego. i love this place i do. i just need friends. shit.

so thats my new mission. my old life just feels more and more like a distant dream.

i may just give up mar.

bah.

im going back to yoga tomorrow. i realized a happy coincidence that now my studio is only a mile away from where i live instead of a ten minute traffic jammed drive. i feel a little blessed for that.

what i dont feel blessed for-

i have to go to my apt sometime and get all my shtuff. derrick didnt even welcome me back. i have a feeling he may have seen my tom pics on myspace. so awkwardness will ensue.

anyways. going to bed. night.

and the number just keeps rising.. whadddaaaaafuxxx

im starting to get a little pissed about the flow no sho. sick.

20 bucks says it comes TOMORROW.

the day i leave for TOM PETTY with my new found luvah j... shit.

<<<--- tom 3 years ago. just guess what i was on.

omg im beyond excited tho. i havent been to the gorge in almost 3 years. seriously too long.

and i cant wait to get all sorts of crazay. i need it.

but.

todays a sad day. im gonna attempt to make my rounds and say bye to all the wonderful people in my life. its gonna be weird to go back to sd. especially when i have to go move all my stuff. im so beyond the point of over that codependent shittastic relationship that i really dont even want to see him again. there is one huge problem tho, that im gonna have to figure out sooner or later. dumb kids.

but anyways i just remember its all for the best.

i was going nowhere here in the little tri, and now daygo is just as much a home to me.

PLUS how would i ever be a dolphin trainer here?

see. smart thinking. i can do it.

ok. anyway. bye.

when im single i find out stuff about myself that i dont know if i necessarily want to know.
i need a strong core of good girlfriends. theyre hard to come by.

books for fall semester

a grand total of $483. holy mackeral.
i need a job. asap.

my period is 10 days late.
im not having sex, so im not worried about that.
but i dont get why the eff its being a bitch. if it comes at tom ill be so mad.
tmi.

i think i like this.

do i need a title?

i started a blog. i dont know what ill write about yet.

im just giving it a shot.

ill be a dolphin trainer/yoga instructor. for real.

i had a boyfriend. we broke up. but i got to keep my coach purse.

i live in san diego.

RIGHT NOW im in tri cities. where i grew up.

and im having a blast. but when i get back to daygo im gonna be lonely i think. so now ill write out all my feelings. for no one to read. but hey maybe it will help me.

oh and im vegetarian. its a big deal to me. and im going to be vegan. i did it once for 2 months but my lameass gave up. so now im cleansing back in sd and starting over.

wish me luck.