fuck

homework! fuck it. really. fuck fuck fuck. i dont know whats wrong with me, i have all this time with no job and all to do my shit, but i just procrastinate and wait and sit until the VERY LAST possible second. and then rush to get it done and write crap papers. god im soooo frustrated with myself right now. i just have to face the fact that im not the scholarly type. yah i like learning, but i think writing papers about what ive learned is a crock of smelly b.s. who gives a fuck what i think! u know 90% of the class just copies pastes and rearranges!!! or is that just me? goahhhhhhh. i could never ever be a journalist. the thought of writing for a living makes me want to shit my pants. i dont understand how people think im smart. i dont know how i got good grades in high school, it just happened. and still in college i can put in minimum effort and manage straight b's. ive never had to work for it in my life, and i think its a crappy deal that i have to now. and that just sounded whiney and bratty and completely ungrateful.
im happy to be getting an education. nothings sexier than some smarts.

but. agahhahhhahahgakjgahaghuarhuagrhuaeiuseriuserph!!!!!!!! aekfhaouarghuagruhagiaurahgraiupr!!!!!!

on a happier note. im getting a visitor soon. =)

peace the fuck out you fuckers.

priorities

yesterday i blew off doing my homework so that i could go to a party and get drunk.
then i got really drunk and am super sick today, so i dont feel like doing that homework.

i know i need to prioritize. i cant figure out whats more important to me. opening up my social life, or school. i know i can do both. i just got excited to meet new friends lol.

so today and tomorrow ill be working my ass off. eyew.


hungover taking a nap in the backseat of my car, trying to force myself to go back to class.

doesnt anyone else think its cool i met michael franti?


ahhhhhhhhh.

=)

all the freaky people make the beauty of the world

i always end yoga with a cig.
yah. i cant help it.
i dont crave nicotine. i crave the ritual. especially when driving.

street scene tomorrow. sooo stoked to see michael franti and spearhead. theres a bunch of other artists i only vaguely recognize. if at all.
im such a faker. ha. but i love it.

i even bought a new outfit i totally cant afford. from american apparel. im discovering how much i really adore their clothes. plain and solid colors. but stylish and perfect cuts. right up my alley.
their website is fucking WEIRD tho. slightly pornographic.
these shorts and shirt are from there. =====>

bum bum be bum bum bum be dum dum.
i cant really stand rihanna. i dont know why something about her face just rubs me the wrong way. but her songs are catchy as hell.

thats all that mattered to me today, thursday the 18th. my names casandra carter. and youve just been cassed in.

youtube sxephil. then youll get it. hes funny as fuck.


sorry for all the profanity.

love.

caged bird.

doing some deep soul searching bs lately. and i decided im probably the worst girl to date ever.

for someone like me being such a serial monogamist since like 15. im the most commitment phobe person i know. how can that work... a commitment phobic monagamist?

it dawned on me. not too long ago and has been rolling around in my little cabeza ever since, that most every relationship ive entered...atleast boy-wise. i entered fully aware that it was never gonna last. i entered thinking...when will this end? maybe i picked them because i knew it wasnt going to work, or maybe i didnt even want to try to make it work because i DONT SEE THE POINT of being in a committed relationship at this time in my life. but i want all the lovey feelings. all that fluffy duffy gooey shit. contrary to some crazy freshman events of my past...i actually dont like random hookups. i dont even really like sex unless its with someone i care about, and more importantly who cares about me. i donno.. just the way i was made i guess.

so my mouth would just spew words of reassurance. "yah baby i love you. your the one for me" yah the one for me....right now.

i dont want to sound bitchy because i honestly think my ex boyfriends are cool people. and i dont think i was blatantly deceitful with my feelings. (because who wants to honestly believe themselves incapable of love?) obviously they were real. but as real as i could let them be at that point of my life. does that make sense?

since i can remember, ive had this crazy little panicked feeling inside. like. theres a purpose to your life casandra and its up to you to find out what it is.

but ive been really lazy about trying to figure it out. i have no roots but i have no wings. and i think ultimately that little panicky feeling is whats led to the demise of my relationships. not everyone should be a fleeting blip on lifes radar. actually probably noone should. but i think that ive let myself treat one too many people that way. quietly disattached.

but with a smile on my face.

i dont want to write anymore right now.
maybe
to be continued...

blog addict

so i already wrote today. but the strangest most odd thing happened just a little bit ago i had to cultivate it into words.

i went to the c2 class at 6 at my yoga studio and from the beginning i was feeling kind of antsy. about halfway thru class, the most powerful anger ive ever felt just rushed throughout my whole entire body. i was literally coursing with anger. my blood felt hot. even my face turned red! it was so just....odd. i dont even know how to describe it without sounding like a loony bin. but the rest of practice all i wanted to do was punch my instructor in the face. the people next to me in the face. my own self in the face. i even almost started to cry at one point.

ive heard of angry feelings arising during practice before. but its never happened to me.

powerful.

im gonna go google it.

ta ta.

skeeeeels

ive decided instead of trying to earn money the old fashioned way im going to listen to channel 933 everyday at 410. theyve got the skeeeels to pay my beeeeeels.
500 dollars to do whatever with.
im putting them on speed dial.

i miss my dog so much. when i think about him my chest feels hollow. like i can feel my heart beating against my rib cage. i try not to think about him but my dad has a boxer. and even tho they look nothing alike, i may be scratching his belly when he gives me a look just like marley. and sometimes i think about crying. but i dont. im pretty good at not crying. i just wish i could have given him the right life. im sure derrick is a good dog parent, but i bet he doesnt get spoiled with attention anymore. he was my baby.

u know whats gross? people always mistake my dad and i for a couple. its fucking sick, i hate going out to dinner with him. because just...how... AWKWARD. what are you suppose to say in that situation. um no this is my fatherrrrr. maitre 'd.

atleast maybe when im 40 ill look 25.
but probably not cuz i went to the science museum here once and they had this booth where they would take your picture and project what you would look like 20, 30, 40 years in the future. and ewwiee. all i know is i better not be single when im 65. bahaha

today is

yoga.chargers.hw.wine.vma's.

heres to the girls in the little red shoes who spend their mens money and drink their mens booze.

ruthless.

haha girl your crazayyyy.

happy weekend.

weekends here are kinda hard, i feel a lot more homesick come saturdays than any other day of the week. im sure it will subside once i get my thriving social life kicked off the ground haha. but i just flow with it.

im actually going to ericas later to day rage it, so im sure that frown will be turned upside down once i finish my laundry and shower and whatnot. lol.

my room smells like incense. its cute, its my little haven. i bought a wall tapestry (actually im pretty sure its a thin bed spread. but whatev) with the om symbol all over it, and i got a cute little wall box that says dream, vision, imagine create, begin attempt, expand transform... follow your bliss. with some trippy little art on it. i love it, its hanging right above my bed. i want to get a tat that says follow your bliss underneath the om symbol. and i have a ficus and a cute little ikea rainbow lamp. and im waiting for this awesome bookshelf/desk to get into ikea so i can put up all my bins of books and nicknacks. thats pretty much all the rest of the unpacking i have left. anyways its the best room ive ever had. ive never really been one to decorate, but im finding joy in making this room "my" space.

my floors are wood. its nice looking but my feet are always dirty. so im always paranoid about getting dirt on my white comforter. and the cat always sleeps on my bed so her fur is all over. blech. i dont know whats wrong with these pics. they are like glued together. but thats what it looks like.

i miss jacob. he is my best boy/friend. we still talk pretty much everyday which is nice because i definitely dont talk to as many people as i did when i was in the tri lol. pretty much just melissa and jacob.

i went to apply for a job at cpk yesterday. i love cpk they have the best mediterranean hummus salads. but its at the mall and it was soooo hard walking by all the stores at fashion valley. i love american apparel. and the lucky brand store. and anthropologie. i definitely like the shopping options better here than the tri. haha. i want all this stuff, but i cant afford it. but then i just tell myself i dont really need it, and to not be so superficial. bah.

people need to come visit me.

bloody brilliant.

forget the girl.
this is russell brand.
he's a british comedian.
and i just spent like 2 hours youtubing him.
hes in that movie forgetting sarah marshall.
which was damn funny.
and hes hosting the vma's on sunday. so.

hes gonna be all over the place soon enough.

i love a guy whose vocabulary consists of more than just a constant stream of 4 letter expletives.
oh and he says "hullabaloo"
precious.

pet peeve of mine

people who ride their bicycles on the street. when theres a perfectly good sidewalk 2 feet to their right.
drives me freaking insane! especially when driving in hillcrest where the traffic is nutty already and the lanes arent wide enough for any car bigger than a mini cooper. people are always narrowly avoiding head on collisions and side swipes, and the bikes just weaving in and out of cars dont help the situation whatsoever! im surprised i havent hit anyone yet! knock on wood.

so im done with my 2nd week of class. my days are long and exhausting! (oh woe is me.) but i pretty much love them all. and i dont know if its just me or whats going on but i must put off some sort of different vibe/aura whenever im single because last semester i hardly me anyone in my classes. noone really made an effort to talk to me (it embarasses me to say that. lol) and my shy ass definitely didnt go out of the way to make friends. but it seems this semester already ive met a few cool cats. ha. so we'll see.

the other day my dad was talking about his gf/whatev. and how she had a conference call with a bunch of her friends from aussieland, and all her best friends have just had babies, and he thinks her maternal clock is ticking. regardless of if it is or not i dont really think theyd have children together. but ive always sorta wondered if my free spirit fatha will ever actually settle down and do family the "right" way. i dont know exactly how it makes me feel. it would be awesome to have another little sibling. but ive been his only kid for so long its kinda like...hmm. plus im pretty much at the age where if i wanted i could start my own little carter fam. just a little whatev.

im pretty much ridiculously broke right now. i think im gonna be looking for a job this weekend and ive been tossing around the idea of (dont laugh) applying at hooters. with my class schedule i dont really have the extra time for a lot of work, but id still like a lot of money haha and the girls there make bank. this girl in my chem class works there and she said she probably pulls in 150-200 a night just in tips. i could work 2 or 3 nights a week and be rollin. subjugating myself to leering creepy man eyes doesnt really bother me, and i dont think its a humiliating profession, but i just dont know if i have the mental capacity to sling chicken wings and deal with rowdy drunk football fans.
plus its kind of a paradox of my own "morals" of being a wanna-be vegan natural chick working at a place that sells only meat and would probably lead to a boob job down the road. (ive always wanted them actuallllllly)
so i donno. hmm.

what else. this is a long post.
oh yah. obviously from the previous posts, ive been talking about yoga a lot. but i cant help it. its my new old obsession. i think ive only missed 2 or 3 days since getting back and last night i had my best practice ever. it was soooo exhausting, but my body just melted like butter. my favorite instructor was directing class and shes kind of strange. im pretty sure she has a sweat fetish because whenever shes correcting your postures she like rubs her hands all thru your sweat. lol i get the weirdest vibe from her but shes a damn good teacher so i never miss her class, since she only teaches twice a week.
i want to go to india and study yoga at an ashram. not just the physical "hatha" part of yoga but the whole philosophy. i really connect with it, and its the closest to spiritual ive ever been. and india is the mecca of yogini-wannabes.

who knows where life will lead.

ok im going now. if you read all of this i love you. hahahah.
peaceeeee.

wino

today in yoga we were practicing inverted postures. which is like handstands and such.

the guy in front of me was wearing these short little baggy shorts. kinda like boxer briefs.

just guess where this is going.

so i was sitting there when the guy kicked up into his crow pose and his left nut in all its glory popped out.

awkward.

wear some bigger shorts man.

of course after that i couldnt concentrate worth shit to actually center and balance myself so i just went to childs pose asap.

today i went and hung out with my friend erica. the only real girlfriend i have in sd. we were never THAT great of friends. and i was always kind of wary because derrick would always just be... i dont know. like hey invite erica over. hey let me talk to erica while you arent around.

she never responded so i know it wasnt her. but for a while i was like f that.

anyways. we drank like 2 bottles of wine and walked around o.b.

it was so fun.

i love girls. i miss girls. i know thats weird sounding. but im just so ready to have friends without wondering what the bf will say. u know?

something funny...anyone ever seen the show baby borrowers?

she lives with the girl that was on there from sd.

weird.

im really fucking loving reggae music lately. ive always loved it but i didnt really explore the opportunites before.

and ive just been studying it like it was a school subject. such beautiful lyrics.

i have to go do homework. ugh class tomorrow.

i shouldnt be saying ugh already.

hahahahhahahahahaa.

im still drunk. shit.