epitome of dumb blonde

i dont know whats wrong with me lately.

yesterday i was cooking some soup in the kitchen and theres a couch in there (dont ask me why)

out of the corner of my eye i saw this slithering motion underneath it.

i froze. terrified. (yes snakes creep me)

texted my dad and was like "theres a snake in the kitchen come home right now!"

so i kept watching it from atop my kitchen counter. and then a minute later i hear this strained meowing sound coming from underneath.

instead of using my brain and realizing it was the cat stuck under there, i burst into tears and frantically called my dad to tell him to hurry cuz the snake was eating the cat!!

lol sometimes i cant believe myself.

then today i went to get my car washed and pulled into the automatic part and started to roll up my windows when i realized that my passenger side window was stuck half-way down. (which it is notorious for doing)

i couldnt back out because there was like 4 cars behind me. so i instead got an impromptu bath.

i finally got it to roll up...

when the dryers came on!

good lord.

tobaccaffeine

i started smoking and drinking coffee again today.
bahahaha.
i figured later on down the road in one of my psych classes i have an experiment where i have to manipulate one of my bad habits and either eradicate it completely or try really hard. so ill do it then.
if i feel like it. i didnt really care about quitting in the first place, but living with my dad and keeping it a secret isnt the easiest. even tho im sure he knows. id still never in a million years smoke in front of him. its weird
.but damn those 45 traffic jammed minutes to class in the morning sure are annoying.

im lonely talk to me.

thats what i feel like saying in a mass text to everyone in my phone book on nights like this.

of course i dont but sometimes i wish id get random surprise messages.

or calls. or whatev.

my days are fine. blissfully happy actually. night isnt even too bad. sometimes tho i just wish i had a warm body next to me. i think thats the worst part about being on my own.

on my own in this big lonely world.

you know...

i think im reeling a little bit. not bc i miss him. but i feel like one day i had a relationship and the next i didnt. i dont feel like that. thats what happened.

i found out i was single by myspace didnt i tell ya. okay so obviously the whole thing had gone bad and we hadnt talked for like 2 weeks before hand. but thats how it "officially" went down.

like...really?

and i havent heard one word from him since. not one single peep.

its not so much a matter of me missing him, or missing those days. honestly im truly relieved that its over. but maybe its a matter of my pride. of my precious little fragile ego.

call it what you will but i sometimes think in my head. " what is so wrong with me, or so lackluster about me, that a person who dated me for a year and a half can just erase me. so easily. without a hint of remorse or sadness. or anything... pretend i didnt exist bitch."

sure i dont talk to him either. its a 2 way street. but he initiated it all. and i think thats just what stings a little at 1am when i cant sleep.

i want to observe these feelings and then tie them up in a pretty little box and put them away. theres nothing i can do. nothing that i want to do. but sometimes it just helps to think.

its my 6th day without a cig.

and i havent drank coffee in like a month in a half.

correction. i bought one today. took 2 drinks and got insta heart burn. so i threw it out.

my 2 biggest vices i just one day decide to give up.

i can do that u know.

im pretty good at just...letting go.

anyway. i dont know where this is going.

already i miss these days.

reason to smile today

getting out of an intensely rewarding yoga session. driving down university avenue with the windows rolled down. seeing and hearing all the happy people spilling out of the shops and restaurants, laughing and strolling along holding hands. boys with boys, girls with girls. girls with boys.
the sun is shining not a cloud in the sky and on the radio plays "here comes the sun little darling"
its times like that that makes me believe in life.

shit its 4 in the morning!

cant sleep.

probably cuz i ate buckets of sugar at disneyland.

ya thats right i went to the dirty disney today/yesterday.

it was totally random. this girl my dads (maybe?) seeing. im not sure of their exact relationship status, but she showed up at the house this morning as i was getting ready for yoga and was like, hey mate fancy going to ditney land taday?

her and her friend are austrailian and theyre only like 27 and had never been. i couldnt say no.

damn it was fun. ive always avoided going to big theme parks because for 1.

living in california, it seems like such a tourist thing to do. and tourists bug me. ha

and for 2. im an agorophobe hardcore.

and 3. i hate children.

ok well i dont hate them. i love certain ones. but i hate the screaming snot nosed brats that tend to show up in droves.

anyways it was really fun and it reminded me that spontanaity (that is definitely misspelled) is completely necessary. im the type of person who usually throws out an idea before even thinking it over, and i really dont want to do that anymore! so much fun is to be had if your willing to just step out of the box every once in a while.

anyways i had a great time. and on the drive home i found myself saying bugger something. and then i couldnt stop laughing for like 10 minutes. i sounded like an authentic aussie. hahahahahahaha.

night my loves.

yoga.

god its amazing. i was being lazy earlier and was like. maybe ill just go tomorrow.

but since im home im focusing on my health. the tri did it to me hard.

so i went. and i just feel 1 thousand times better. especially after the weird day i had.

i was gonna say fuck it and not go to my (as of now, former) apt to get my stuff. i was being chicken shit. and i was nervous mar wouldnt remember me.

but i went anyway. and really. it wasnt that bad. as far as breakups go ive had worse. but then again theres no comparison to the awful 50x me and dan broke up back in the day.

but overall it was pretty painless. i got there and things were awkward. it was like i didnt even know this kid anymore.

i told him he could leave while i got my stuff. i think maybe he was bummed. but then again he probably didnt care.

so he left. and i packed and it took all of 2 hours.

i know now that everything is for the right reason. i walked into that apartment that was my home for a year, and it didnt even feel like mine whatsoever.

plus it was a fucking pigsty. u know boys live there now. but i feel content. peaceful.

i was feeling just...down. but i went to yoga. and it made all the difference. im high on endorphins. and now im here chillen listening to bob stephen and steel pulse.

oh and mar tackled me and licked my face the instant i stepped thru the door. so i worried for nothing =)

its funny who your friends are. i'd just like to say to tasha and melissa, the girls ive been best friends with forever, but the past 3 years had lost touch, when i needed them. they came. and i love them more than ever. its nice to know some people will always care.

changes they are a comin.

much love.

-cas

back in daygo.

so.

i made it back.

the guy next to me on the plane was so big he took up a quarter of my seat and i didnt get to have my armrest down. which had the buttons on for the tv so i watched silent cnn for 2.5 hours.

watch. one day ill get that fat and feel bad for talking shit but damn. buy 2 seats bud.

i feel a litttttle weird. i came home to sd and i feel like a stranger. its so cute how earnest my dad was when i got back showing me my new room he spent all day fixing up for me. and i sit here looking at the ikea catalog just thinking. wtf am i doing?

i love san diego. i love this place i do. i just need friends. shit.

so thats my new mission. my old life just feels more and more like a distant dream.

i may just give up mar.

bah.

im going back to yoga tomorrow. i realized a happy coincidence that now my studio is only a mile away from where i live instead of a ten minute traffic jammed drive. i feel a little blessed for that.

what i dont feel blessed for-

i have to go to my apt sometime and get all my shtuff. derrick didnt even welcome me back. i have a feeling he may have seen my tom pics on myspace. so awkwardness will ensue.

anyways. going to bed. night.

and the number just keeps rising.. whadddaaaaafuxxx

im starting to get a little pissed about the flow no sho. sick.

20 bucks says it comes TOMORROW.

the day i leave for TOM PETTY with my new found luvah j... shit.

<<<--- tom 3 years ago. just guess what i was on.

omg im beyond excited tho. i havent been to the gorge in almost 3 years. seriously too long.

and i cant wait to get all sorts of crazay. i need it.

but.

todays a sad day. im gonna attempt to make my rounds and say bye to all the wonderful people in my life. its gonna be weird to go back to sd. especially when i have to go move all my stuff. im so beyond the point of over that codependent shittastic relationship that i really dont even want to see him again. there is one huge problem tho, that im gonna have to figure out sooner or later. dumb kids.

but anyways i just remember its all for the best.

i was going nowhere here in the little tri, and now daygo is just as much a home to me.

PLUS how would i ever be a dolphin trainer here?

see. smart thinking. i can do it.

ok. anyway. bye.

when im single i find out stuff about myself that i dont know if i necessarily want to know.
i need a strong core of good girlfriends. theyre hard to come by.

books for fall semester

a grand total of $483. holy mackeral.
i need a job. asap.

my period is 10 days late.
im not having sex, so im not worried about that.
but i dont get why the eff its being a bitch. if it comes at tom ill be so mad.
tmi.

i think i like this.

do i need a title?

i started a blog. i dont know what ill write about yet.

im just giving it a shot.

ill be a dolphin trainer/yoga instructor. for real.

i had a boyfriend. we broke up. but i got to keep my coach purse.

i live in san diego.

RIGHT NOW im in tri cities. where i grew up.

and im having a blast. but when i get back to daygo im gonna be lonely i think. so now ill write out all my feelings. for no one to read. but hey maybe it will help me.

oh and im vegetarian. its a big deal to me. and im going to be vegan. i did it once for 2 months but my lameass gave up. so now im cleansing back in sd and starting over.

wish me luck.