all the freaky people make the beauty of the world

i always end yoga with a cig.
yah. i cant help it.
i dont crave nicotine. i crave the ritual. especially when driving.

street scene tomorrow. sooo stoked to see michael franti and spearhead. theres a bunch of other artists i only vaguely recognize. if at all.
im such a faker. ha. but i love it.

i even bought a new outfit i totally cant afford. from american apparel. im discovering how much i really adore their clothes. plain and solid colors. but stylish and perfect cuts. right up my alley.
their website is fucking WEIRD tho. slightly pornographic.
these shorts and shirt are from there. =====>

bum bum be bum bum bum be dum dum.
i cant really stand rihanna. i dont know why something about her face just rubs me the wrong way. but her songs are catchy as hell.

thats all that mattered to me today, thursday the 18th. my names casandra carter. and youve just been cassed in.

youtube sxephil. then youll get it. hes funny as fuck.


sorry for all the profanity.

love.

caged bird.

doing some deep soul searching bs lately. and i decided im probably the worst girl to date ever.

for someone like me being such a serial monogamist since like 15. im the most commitment phobe person i know. how can that work... a commitment phobic monagamist?

it dawned on me. not too long ago and has been rolling around in my little cabeza ever since, that most every relationship ive entered...atleast boy-wise. i entered fully aware that it was never gonna last. i entered thinking...when will this end? maybe i picked them because i knew it wasnt going to work, or maybe i didnt even want to try to make it work because i DONT SEE THE POINT of being in a committed relationship at this time in my life. but i want all the lovey feelings. all that fluffy duffy gooey shit. contrary to some crazy freshman events of my past...i actually dont like random hookups. i dont even really like sex unless its with someone i care about, and more importantly who cares about me. i donno.. just the way i was made i guess.

so my mouth would just spew words of reassurance. "yah baby i love you. your the one for me" yah the one for me....right now.

i dont want to sound bitchy because i honestly think my ex boyfriends are cool people. and i dont think i was blatantly deceitful with my feelings. (because who wants to honestly believe themselves incapable of love?) obviously they were real. but as real as i could let them be at that point of my life. does that make sense?

since i can remember, ive had this crazy little panicked feeling inside. like. theres a purpose to your life casandra and its up to you to find out what it is.

but ive been really lazy about trying to figure it out. i have no roots but i have no wings. and i think ultimately that little panicky feeling is whats led to the demise of my relationships. not everyone should be a fleeting blip on lifes radar. actually probably noone should. but i think that ive let myself treat one too many people that way. quietly disattached.

but with a smile on my face.

i dont want to write anymore right now.
maybe
to be continued...