i wish i had a talent.
artistic.
when i was little i used to love to draw. i have a whole notebook of my goofy replications and misshapen portraits somewhere.
then i moved on to writing. my friend belinda and i started a book called 'kids incorporated' a thinly-veiled rip-off of the babysitters club books. but hey we were young. we didnt understand the term copyright.
after that was photography. my parents bought me a zoom-lens canon. one of those cameras with REAL film you know. but soon enough my cats and brother and probably even the ugly brown earth of the tri-cities got sick of the constant shutter snaps and i too tired of of the useless pictures i developed and abandoned the camera somewhere amid the other tried and failed hobbies.
i took a pottery class in high school. HA. my masterpieces were quite laughable.
my voice is shit.
i could easily convince my dad into teaching me the guitar but i really dont want to transform into him more than i already have.
grr. im talentless.
i rented vicky cristina barcelona last night. and i think im going to watch it again tonight. its really really good.

cliche much?...no but really.

3 things i really hate doing
-filling up my gas tank. whenever it gets half full i feel like i should refill it. but somehow it always ends up on e. always.
-ordering pizza. especially when its more than one person deciding what they want. trying to get the best deal. i just do it online.
-hanging up my clothes after they are washed. always get thrown on my bed or the floor and end up mixed with my dirty clothes and wrinkled.

3 essential every day items.
-my sunglasses. i love my marc jacobs and wear them even when theres no need. they be stylinnn.
-cigarettes. nasty little habit i have no desire to get rid of. this should be bad. but im a vegetarian so so what.
-water bottle. i almost always have a water bottle in my purse even tho it makes it bulky and hard to get into at times. re-use, reduce, recycle.

something you hear your whole life but i finally REALLY realized the other day.
-love people for who they are. every flaw, every attribute. they don't owe you anything. they really don't. and if you continue to try to change someone you miss out on the beauty of who they really are. i spent like 4 hours thinking about this the other night when i couldnt sleep.
-the love you experience at any time with any person is not coming from them. its coming from inside of you. its your experience of your true self. in other words, the other person is a stimulus that allows your own love to be uncovered. ~Steve Ross, Happy Yoga.


the other day i was getting so annoyed at my dad. for no reason other than the fact that he was sitting in the other room playing his guitar for hours. i was like dude. why are you ALWAYS home. why are you so lazy. all you do is play guitar and go to yoga class. arent you bored out of your effing mind? you always say your going to go on this trip here. volunteer there. do this. do that. but it NEVER happens. i didnt say this to him but i thought it.
then i was thinking about one of my ex bfs who the whole time i was dating never had a car. not even a license. never got a job. never had money. and how pissed off i would get at him thinking he was the biggest loser sitting on his ass doing NOTHING all day. yet somehow he thought he was gonna be a millionaire. drive a sick whip. puhleeese.
then it dawned on me that the same traits i despise in other people are the same traits im terrified of in myself. ive never been a go-getter highly motivated type of person and it bugs the HELL out of me. and i have all these goals. all these desires, but yet never seem to persue them. so here i am criticizing people who have essentially been big influences in my life, while not even considering myself. and their lives aren't mine. i can't do anything about that and i shouldn't think i can. but i CAN always work on one thing, and thats myself.

I know that I'm not perfect, And that I don't claim to be, So before you point your fingers, Make sure your hands are clean.

one LAST thing. i promise.

"the longer i live, the more i realize the impact of attitude in life. Attitude is more important than facts. it is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. it is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skills. it will make or break a company...a church...a home. the remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. we cannot change the inevitable. the only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude... i am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how i react to it. And so it is with you...we are in charge of our attitudes. ~Charles Swindoll.

i have a feeling 2009 is going to be a big year for self meditation. self awareness.

i think im starting to grow up.
just a little.

fucking disgusting.

inauguration day

new day new era.
i hope.
ive been watching the festivities all day today, even tho i actually slept thru the actual oath and speech. thank god for the internet.
im incredibly excited that our country is taking a turn in a new direction right now. but im also a little wary. i believe to the best of my abilities that Obama is going to change the path of America, but i also believe its going to take a long long time. and i just hope that a week from now all those Obama-maniacs who blindly believe he's going to take office and snap his fingers and magical fairy dust is going to fix every problem that we have, will still support him and realize its not just going to be peaches. that we really wont see positive changes for possibly years. He said himself its going to get worse before it gets better, but those just so excited that we have a new young black president...i don't think they exactly get that. But he has incredible charisma and brilliant speaking skills, so i think he may get a break. a long honeymoon period to start a path of righting all the wrongs of the last 8 years.
Im also really happy that he comes in to office during the young years of our generation. that we will get to grow up and begin our lives with him as president rather than some other staunchy republican who doesn't really care about the youth. Ive seen how bad people our parents ages are struggling right now. my own parents are. and i feel lucky that i dont have to really deal with that yet you know? that maybe by the time im ready to be an adult and buy a house and have a family, life might just be a little peachier =)
other than that i don't really have a lot to say without perhaps sounding ignorant. i really don't have the greatest grasp on politics yet as hard as i might have tried, but i can only continue to learn.

btw how freaking adorable are his girls? they are going to be so beautiful when they grow up and im kind of excited to see their transformation over the next years.




estimated 2 million people in D.C. today. wish i coulda been.

im hungry. im going to go make some soup.
much love.

im pretty sure im a professional flyer by now.
ive got the whole airport process on lock.
i think its kind of funny that when they call for people to board the plane first class gets to get on first. they get to walk on a special little red carpet right next to all the ordinary people.
does anyone else find this kind of laughable? like really a RED carpet?

got back to sd today. it was 80 degrees with no clouds. major change id say.
it always takes me a little while to feel back at home when ive been in wa for a long time. like i feel really strange. and it hasnt been a good day, so that just adds to the weird-ness of it all.

i got a thing in the mail while i was gone to renew the registration for my car and its 342 effing dollars. normal registration is only 55. but apparently i have 2 parking tickets (one of which i did NOT know about) that never got paid and you have to pay them before you can renew your registration and since it expired while i was gone they charge an extra 62.
then on top of that you have to get a smog check on your car so i went to go do that today, and after i paid 40 dollars to get that done they said my car failed because my cadillac something or other converter is broken. which costs atleast a couple hundred to fix. so i paid 40 bucks to have someone tell me my car was broken. great. its like jeez man. im so sick of putting money into that stupid fucking car. i guess its really my own fault, i should have taken care of all this before it expired and i would have saved myself a ton of money but im having troubles being adult enough to take responsibility.
atleast i always pay my other bills on time.

anyways. enough of that negativity.
i had a really good, low key stay in the tri.
i didnt really do much but i saw my family, a few of my closest friends and hung out with jake a lot.
leaving was kind of bittersweet.
im excited to be back in the warmth. to get back to yoga and ready for spring semester. to just press play on my every day life again after being on pause for about a month. but as everyone who actually reads this probably already knows, jake and i have had this thing going on since summer, and while being there with him was pretty much perfect i almost wish it wouldnt have been. that we would have found some deep down clash in our personalities, or some other flaw that would have snapped us out of it and returned us back to just the good friends we were before.
because really.
i dont know WHAT the hell we are doing.
but nope. we got along fabulously.
and leaving was that much harder.
and now what? just one day at a time?
usually i go with the flow. i really think things just happen for a reason and take it as it comes. but right now i want answers, and there are no answers. atleast not for a few multiple years. and im being a big baby about it.
should have never...but of course i did.


BAH.

ok what else?
hmmmm.............

driving around town today i almost peed my pants. i dont know if i just got used to the tri city traffic or if all the crazies and their drunk mothers were out today but i almost probably got in like 4 crashes.
and i got my favorite so-cal restaurant staple ive been missing...chipotle. but i had no appetite so eating it was pretty much impossible. dammit.
i put it in the fridge but we dont have a microwave so i dont know how im going to eat it later when im just oh so ravishingly hungry.
think i could throw it on a pan on the stove?

being such a lazy butt the past month ive pretty much gained like 5 pounds i can just feel it all sitting on my stomach. i want to maybe do a cleanse starting tomorrow while i still have time before school starts, but organic lemons are like a dollar each and in a few weeks the lemons on my tree in the front yard will be ripe and there are like 6 million so it seems a little unreasonable to buy them now when i can get them for free soon. but im impatient and want my stomach to sit inside of my pants instead of out of them lol.
maybe ill just work out till then and eat healthy like a normal person and save the lemon money and shove it down my cars throat engine.
hopefully it gags.


kiss my butt. lick the undacheese from under my nuts.
eminem came out with a new song. finally.
and i dedicate it to the dmv.

bye.