doing some deep soul searching bs lately. and i decided im probably the worst girl to date ever.
for someone like me being such a serial monogamist since like 15. im the most commitment phobe person i know. how can that work... a commitment phobic monagamist?
it dawned on me. not too long ago and has been rolling around in my little cabeza ever since, that most every relationship ive entered...atleast boy-wise. i entered fully aware that it was never gonna last. i entered thinking...when will this end? maybe i picked them because i knew it wasnt going to work, or maybe i didnt even want to try to make it work because i DONT SEE THE POINT of being in a committed relationship at this time in my life. but i want all the lovey feelings. all that fluffy duffy gooey shit. contrary to some crazy freshman events of my past...i actually dont like random hookups. i dont even really like sex unless its with someone i care about, and more importantly who cares about me. i donno.. just the way i was made i guess.
so my mouth would just spew words of reassurance. "yah baby i love you. your the one for me" yah the one for me....right now.
i dont want to sound bitchy because i honestly think my ex boyfriends are cool people. and i dont think i was blatantly deceitful with my feelings. (because who wants to honestly believe themselves incapable of love?) obviously they were real. but as real as i could let them be at that point of my life. does that make sense?
since i can remember, ive had this crazy little panicked feeling inside. like. theres a purpose to your life casandra and its up to you to find out what it is.
but ive been really lazy about trying to figure it out. i have no roots but i have no wings. and i think ultimately that little panicky feeling is whats led to the demise of my relationships. not everyone should be a fleeting blip on lifes radar. actually probably noone should. but i think that ive let myself treat one too many people that way. quietly disattached.
but with a smile on my face.
i dont want to write anymore right now.
maybe
to be continued...
1 comment:
ive been gone so now I have to go way back to catch up on your blogging, but I dont have time right now. anyways just wanted to say hi, and I know I need to drive much farther. have you ever done the drive to daygo?? my dreams to roadtrip all over california. no agenda. no timeline. some cash and lots of good music.
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